My road to motherhood started out terribly sad and frustrating.
I had 5 miscarriages within 11 years. I never made it past 5 weeks along. I was told by several different Doctors that I would never be able to have my own children, or at least not be able to carry my own child. I was devastated. Being a mom to my own child has always been a dream of mine. I had my babies names picked out at the age of 15. Although my friends ended up stealing them as they had babies first. Anyway, Doctors told me to look into a surrogate mother if I really wanted to have my own child. I thought really hard about that, even my oldest sister offered to carry my baby for me. However, I could never bring myself to actually do that. Not only did I want to be a mom but I also wanted to do the pregnant thing. I wanted to be the one to carry my child and bond with my child over the whole nine months. I couldn’t wrap my head around only being involved with the pregnancy from the outside.
I did start thinking about adoption though. I felt if I could not carry my own child then maybe I could at least save another child from a life of living in the “system” and give them a loving home. Of course with this option you have to be financially stable and hopefully be in a loving and stable relationship, I know that single mothers can adopt but it is not always that easy. Well I was married at the age of 21, however, it was not the best of marriages. He was always in and out of jail and prison, hardly ever home. So I pushed the adoption thing to the back of my mind. After 5 years I could no longer handle the prison life so I got a divorce.
I ended up dating a man that was a good
friend to me after my divorce. We ended up getting married August 18, 2011, a year after we got together. He has 3 daughters of his own and although they are not my biological children they filled that empty space in my heart from not being able to have my own. I love them girls like they were my own flesh and blood, I would do anything for them. I was content with my new found family.
In March 2013, we moved to Texas. I was so sick it was such a miserable journey. My husband kept telling me I was pregnant. Of course I kept telling him no i’m not, I did not want to get my hopes up just to have more heartache. After getting sick every 2 hours for 24 hours straight he finally convinced me to take a pregnancy test. We went to the store to get one so I could take the next morning. That night I started bleeding really bad. My first thought was miscarriage, I’ve had so many. I also knew that even during a miscarriage the pregnancy test would still be positive, so I took the test. The plus sign was very faint but my mom said that still was positive…. It was 7am, so I woke up my husband and told him we needed to go to the ER. At the ER they looked at me like I was lying when I said I was pregnant and bleeding and did not know how far along I was. They of course did a pregnancy test which was of course positive, and they gave me an ultrasound. At this very moment I was terrified at what they were going to see. The nurse would not let me look at the screen, and I was getting anxious. Then she said “shhh, do you hear that”. For the very first time in 6 pregnancies I was hearing my babies heart beat. It was real, it was strong, and I balled my eyes out. She turned the screen around and let me see my little peanut. I was already 9 weeks along!!
Back in the ER room the Dr came in, she told me I was having a threatened miscarriage and there was nothing they could do about it at the moment. My whole world came crashing down around me. All I kept thinking was why, why again, why me, why let me hear the heartbeat, just why. I was told if I pass the fetus or if the bleeding gets worse to come back in. Two days later I still had not passed the fetus but the bleeding had gotten worse so I went back in. This time there was a different Dr. I got another ultrasound and had an actual exam to see where the blood was coming from. The Dr told me I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Which is where the placenta tears away from the uterus and causes a blood pocket. She said because of this there was a possibility of a miscarriage, but if I took it easy and pretty much stayed off my feet then there was also a possibility of it healing itself and the baby being just fine. She said at this point a lot of bleeding was good because it meant the hemorrhage was bleeding itself out and allowing the placenta to reattach itself. Ya’ll I bled for 4 weeks straight!! The hemorrhage completely bled itself out and the placenta reattached itself!!!!
Although I was extremely high risk and could not work, or barely walk for that matter….I got to carry my own child!!!!
I absolutely loved being pregnant. Feeling the little flutters to the full blown kicks. All the ultrasounds so I could see my baby grow. And my heart melted every time I got to hear the heartbeat. I don’t like Dr’s but I always looked forward to going to the baby Dr.
At 34 weeks along my world came crashing down around me again. My water broke while I was sleeping, to this day we still do not know why. I was terrified and happy all at once. In the hospital they tried stopping my labor for 7 hours. I was defined to the hospital bed the whole time. When they couldn’t get my labor to stop they decided to give me pitocin to make my contractions stronger again and get baby out. 6 hours later my baby boy was born weighing only 4lbs 10oz.
He was so perfect and so handsome. Then they told me he was having trouble breathing and took him to the NICU. I got to hold him one time and they told me he couldn’t handle the stimulation. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was walk out of that hospital and leave my baby boy behind. I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I couldn’t hold my baby boy for a whole week!! But my baby was strong and determined and he only stayed in the NICU for 18 days, 18 of the longest days of my life!
Fast forward a year and 8 months and hubby is again telling me to take a pregnancy test. Well I did and it was negative. A week later my period still hadn’t came so I took another one and this one was positive!
We went to ER to make sure and to find out how far along, and of course we wanted to make sure everything was ok this time around.There we get the pregnancy test which is positive of course and an ultrasound, which shows our healthy little baby and we are 5 weeks along!!
Now can you imagine what is going through my mind? Well other than extremely happy and overwhelming emotions lol. I was told I would never be able to carry
my own child and here I was carrying my second child. This pregnancy was a lot more painful than the first. I was put on bed rest at 4 months along which also put me on extended maternity leave. I was in so much pain that at times I had to crawl to the bathroom. Contractions started several months early but never got close enough to send me into active labor. By 39 weeks along he was still in there, I wasn’t progressing past a 3, and my water was leaking so the Dr decided to induce me. This experience was worse than the first. My epidural did not take and I felt every single contraction getting stronger and stronger, yet I still was not progressing past a 3. I had to have my epidural redone and the second one worked and I went straight to a 10. All kinds of nurses came running in and rolling me all over the place because baby’s heart rate was dropping. Dr came in and got baby out and he was blue, the cord was wrapped around his neck. My Dr saved my baby boys life and I could not be more grateful. Baby boy #2 was born weighing 7lbs 1oz.
Time has gone by so fast. Today my boys are 3 years old and 1 year old. They are so full of life, love, and energy! You would never be able to guess that they both had such hard entrances into this world.
For so many years I was told that I would not be a mommy. I had to deal with heartache after heartache. But here I am today with 3 beautiful step daughters ages 13, 12, and 11, and 2 handsome baby boys of my own ages 3 and 1!!
If you take away anything from my stories and my experiences please take away this….NEVER give up hope, NEVER give up faith, NEVER give up your dreams!! Anything is possible and everything happens in it’s own time.